Sarah Knight
I.
count (on your fingers) to 8
1
2
3
4
5
6
7 8
and then repeat
don’t stop until you’re sure
II.
at 14 years old
the doctor told me I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
OCD
google search: do I have obsessive compulsive disorder
google search: why do I have obsessive compulsive disorder
google search: is there a cure for obsessive compulsive disorder
google search: what are intrusive thoughts
google search: how to stop intrusive thoughts
google search: is there something wrong with me
google search: am I a freak
google search: why do I feel so
helpless
III.
“your sleeves are uneven”
“so what?”
it’s wrong
“can you fix it please?”
“why?”
it’s so wrong
“please”
“does it bother you?”
…
it’s like a centipede crawling around my ear canal driving me mad disturbing my thoughts it won’t leave me alone it won’t get out get out get out get out get out get out get out please get out of my head
…
“a little”
they laugh but don’t fix it
the centipede crawls in through one ear
but never comes out
the other
IV.
from my place on his couch
I can very clearly see the heavy dark door
in front of me
but it’s really
down the hall
around the corner
past the kitchen
out of view
but I see it
he makes a joke
I laugh
did he lock the door?
“do you want to play Uno?”
I smile
I didn’t see him lock it
he shuffles the cards
someone will come in
we start to play
someone could come kill us
I bounce my leg
I start to sweat
I have to go lock it I have to keep us
safe
he wins
I smile
did he lock the door?
from my place on his couch
I can see the door
but I can’t see if we’re
safe
V.
“oh my god I’m like so OCD about that”
“I’m such a germaphobe, I probably have OCD”
“we’re all a little OCD sometimes”
“OCD isn’t real, it’s all in your head”
“do you have OCD or something?”
What OCD is not:
– trendy
– a quirky personality trait
– a joke
– fun
– self-diagnosable
– easy to live with
– one specific symptom in everyone
– something you can turn on and off at will
What OCD is:
– a mental health disorder
– unwanted thoughts and actions
– knowing it’s irrational
– but not being able to stop
– a never ending battle
– but I’m the only one fighting
– a liar
– a part of me
VI.
his roommate opens the door
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t locked
it wasn’t
safe
(safe safe safe safe safe safe safe)
VII.
can’t stop here
just one more until the
VIII.
end
count (on your fingers) to 8
1…….
.2……
..3…..
…4….
….5…
…..6..
……7.
…….8
this is my
reality
and then [I] repeat
but I’m never sure
when
I
can
stop.
